work-life balance

So, now that I'm home, it's the weekend and I have some time to myself (I'm trying to ignore the fact that at some point tonight, I will have to fire up the laptop to send out a work email... pffftt), I shall start writing the thesis titled "why denise was such an mentally unstable wreck last week". so read it if you will... i guarantee it will be less painful and heckuva lot shorter than "prozac nation", which by the way, i read and gave up on reading cos it was just plain depressing. yes, duh, i realise that it sets itself up to be so with a name like that, but still...

But, i digress.. so here's the story, morning glory.

As some of you know, I am/was supposed to go for a business trip to the US next week for a week. All along, I didn't think much of traveling while pregnant, cos I figured, eh, how bad can it get, right? Even when the itineraries starting firming up and began looking like this: NY->DC->CH->SF->LA in 5 days meaning 1 city a day, I still remained pretty unfazed. My boss who has been surprisingly supportive, kept on asking me if I was sure I'd be ok to go...and oddly enough, he kept on asking me whether my husband was comfortable with me going. Up until last week, I was still adamant that I was good to go...and Kale hadn't really said anything to the contrary.

Then this past weekend, my circulation started getting wonky - my fingers and toes started tingling and I started getting "pins and needles" ALL the time. I went to see my doc on Thursday and she gave me the no-go for the trip so I had to pull the plug and I am no longer going. Kale was suitably relieved since he was a little concerned about the daily flying and the fact that I'd check in at night and check out in the morning EVERY day. To be honest, I was a little relieved too that I wasn't going.

The thing was that the whole week, I was just a total wreck. Cos I felt that either way the cookie crumbled, I'd let someone down. There are only 2 of us in the group, and if I didn't go on this trip, it'd fall on my colleague to shoulder the weight of this trip alone and ALL the trips for the rest of the year since I'm unlikely to be doing any more trips this year. He's been incredibly supportive as well, but I still felt bad. Then Kale came up with the clincher - do I let a colleague down, or do I let our child down if something were to happen on the trip. I guess that put things into perspective.

The thing is that ever since I was a little kid, I've always wanted to have kids...and I still remember like it was yesterday when I had this conversation with Becky in Tressider Union over coffee when I said that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. She told me it was the most noble profession a woman could have and it was a pity that more people didn't realise how difficult a job was. Up until this past week, I was comfortable with the knowledge that my priorities were family first, career second. But I realised this past week that when it came down to the crunch, I wanted it all. I wanted a family AND a career. I didn't want to not go on this trip because it is a good learning opportunity and I didn't want it to seem as tho I wasn't pulling my weight at work. This startled me because what should have come easily - ie deciding to stay and not go for this trip, didn't turn out to be an easy decision at all.

So anyhow, with Kale's help, I've figured out my priorities... it just took me a little longer and was a little harder than I had thought. I'm wondering how many more of these little "dilemmas" I'll have in the course of the next few months/years. I wonder if I'll truly be happy giving up my career for my children if it comes down to it. In my mind, I've already started down that path... and I think I'm ok with where I am right now. I'll cross those bridges as and when I get to them. Man, growing up is hard!