week on week

last week was one of the most trying so far. it started 2 thursdays ago. meredith just wouldn't stop eating. she'd feed and then an hour after her hour-long feed, she'd be hungry again. or at least that's what we interpreted the crazy incessant screaming to mean.

it got to the point that i was perpetually attached to her at the boob. my boobs were so sore and felt perpetually empty. went to see the lactation consultant and her diagnosis - i didn't have enough milk for my big eater of a daughter. so? of course yours truly panics and spirals into a whirlwind of "OMG, my child's only source of nourishment is me and I'm NOT MAKING ENOUGH!!" my child is going to starve and it's ALL MY FAULT. so i did everything the lactation consultant recommended - drank soup, drank hot drinks, massaged my boobs, pumped after every feed, etc etc..and the whole time I was tired, sore and just depressed. and sooo worried that I'd have to resort to formula which the doc said to avoid if possible cos of potential allergy issues.

i spent all my spare time reading websites, talking to la leche league volunteers to try to figure out what the issue was. i suspected it was a growth spurt but it was lasting longer than all the literature said they lasted. but man, i was hoping with all hope that that was all it was.

so thankfully, i *think* we're a little better off than last week. she's sleeping in slightly longer periods now although the past 2 nites she's been wide awake most of the night and hence cranky during the day. i'm finally beginning to feel full again so i'm not so worried that my poor baby is going to starve to death. i think it was a growth spurt..

every week brings with it new challenges. i'm just ready for a week where things suddenly become better. i still feel inadequate - being alone with her freaks me out in case she goes into one of her screaming spells and i don't know what to do about it... the doc said it gets better around 2 months of age.. please let that be so..