Never say never

Sooo.... before I became a parent, I had fixed ideas of things I would NOT do.. however, if having a child has taught me anything, it's that flexibility is key.

So, while I said I would not co-sleep with my child, I find that that's the only way she will actually sleep longer than 20mins at a stretch. She just needs to have some body part in contact with either Kale or myself in order to sleep. I've heard stories of kids who are 8 or 9 and still sleeping with their parents and while I'm convinced of the benefits of the "family bed", I'm not comfortable with that kind of an arrangement. However, I figure we'll worry about that when she gets older.. for now, I'll co-sleep with her if it buys me more sleep.

The other thing was that I was dead against buying Avent pumps and products cos I didn't like the philosophy that their products weren't interchangeable with others on the market. I felt like I shouldn't have to sell my soul to any one company. Well, turns out due to the fact that the pumps work for me and the teats work for Meredith, I've had to go with Avent and all my other Nuk and Medela stuff are sitting by the wayside. Sigh...

So yeah... I'm sure there'll be more to come as the weeks progress...

Hey Big Spender...

This week has been one of big-ticket items. The tally? 1 souped-up electric breastpump, 1 baby carrier, 1 baby rocker, 1 microwavable sterilizer. Damage? Erm, in the 4 digits. *Ouch* Thankfully all the vouchers we got for the first month celebration helped defray some of the cost.

My mom says I've been penny wise, pound foolish these past few months. After trying out my new purchases, I have to agree.

Here's a list of my fave and best baby-related purchases... just because.
1) Brestfriend pillow - total lifesaver in those initial weeks when trying to breastfeed. Sadly, I don't use it that much now.. she's a little big for me to carry and position her in the football position by myself. (altho the pillow is the only way I know how to use the football hold).. works when hubby is home though.
2) Avent electric double pump - saves my wrists from inevitable destruction (they're already halfway there) and works like a dream..
3) Ergo carrier - with a baby that wants to be carried all.the.time, i can finally have both hands free. Couldn't figure out the sling. sigh. Only problem is I still haven't figured out how to put her in vertically by myself. Practice, practice... It works well enough when she's content and happy.. doesn't seem to work so well when she's squirming and screaming.. but then again, what does? It's only a carrier, not a miracle worker. bleah.
4) Avent manual pump - mobile, and easy to transport
5) Mothercare changing mat - stiff enough to be carried and plonked down with 1 hand anywhere.

Yup.. there you go.. my list of top 5 baby products...
No wonder there's a huge hole in my pocket. =(

pics from the weekend

here are some pics from the past weekend..
It's hard being a baby!!
The Haig Girls' alumni - PeiFen, Dawn and myself
With Dawn and Van - wedding i/c and co-i/c
Kale and I..
Our lil green punkin and daddy on the way over to Alicia's house (which just happens to be across the street, heh)
Serious lil pumpkin
Aren't those little sweaty hands soooo cute???

pump it up (or out)

so, i'm thinking of buying another electric breast pump. i love the avent manual pump that i have so much that i'm seriously considering buying the avent electric one. if only it didn't cost sooo much (800 singapore smackeroos or bongo bucks). sigh.

i have the medela dual electric but it doesn't really work for me. which sucks cos i blew a small fortune on it ($300) because of all the great reviews from all my colleagues. almost everyone i know uses the medela pumps and swears by them. all the reviews were awesome too. but for some reason, mine hurts me and i can't really get any output. besides, meredith seems to be doing better with the avent teats so it'll be easier to stick with avent as opposed to having different sets of bottles and teats to sterilise.

i'm doing ok with the manual pump right now, it meets my needs of pumping to store, but i suspect it's going to be far too tedious to use when i go back to work as i won't have the luxury of pumping one side at a time. besides, when only pumping one side, the other side leaks and it's such a waste! so yeah, i'm really considering getting the avent one. besides, the manual pumping action is not helping my sore wrists.

and being the weirdo that i am, the biggest reason for not getting the avent one is not cos of the prohibitive cost (while that is a concern). my biggest hang-up? the fact that i bought the medela one and haven't gotten my money's worth out of it. such a waste! ugh. so i'm trying to sell it. think i'll feel much better if i can at least get *something* back for it. doesn't have to be alot but as long as i get something back, i think i'll feel better. i've already posted on a local forum to try and sell it. hopefully i'll get some offers for it.. sigh.

like i said, having a baby is an expensive affair. of course, i'm sure you can make do without all the expensive gear (and i'm definitely cognisant of that hence my guilt) but the husband says that it's worth thinking about it if it makes my life easier. the clincher? i'd probably have spent $800 easily on random shopping if i'd still been working since i work above a mall. it's just so much easier to justify many small purchases! hah.

busy busy..

this past weekend was a busy one what with meredith's gassiness/fussiness and carie-anne's wedding and alicia's (my colleague) son's first month celebration. i took pictures from both events but they're on the desktop and since the little one is holding me hostage and i can't put her down, i'm stuck on the couch with the laptop and can't post the piccies. will try to do so later.

carie-anne's wedding dinner was fun. it was fun to be able to get out of the house for a bit, dress up and most of all, eat a meal with 2 hands and uninterrupted! hah. unfortunately we didn't stay for the whole dinner cos we had to come back to meredith cos it was getting late so i didn't even get to say hi to the bride and groom but it was fun nevertheless. i got to meet all the LJ folks in person. Peifen is uber-hyper.. I didn't believe Dawn when she said she was hyper, but OMG, is she ever! Think Kale was ultra amused by her. I have finally found a worthy opponent when it comes to speed talking! Met Charmaine there too.. which was nice since my last memory of her was in Mrs Skipp's studio a looong time ago. She still looks the same as she did then! the wedding montages were really sweet and it was nice to attend a wedding dinner at the fullerton as it brought back memories of our own wedding dinner.

the doting swingapore grandparents (guess they're christened grandma and kong kong for lack of more imaginative names) were kind enough to babysit so we could go for the dinner. we came home to find my dad marching round my coffeetable with meredith in his arms trying to rock her to sleep. apparently he says that was the most exercise he's had all year. no kidding, the baby and him were both drenched in sweat. he likened it to NS and marching around with a rifle. haha. but i bet you the rifle didn't move quite as much. think we shall let them have more babysitting duties. the common complaint is my dad doesn't get enough exercise.. heh, maybe this way he'll actually have to exercise whether he likes it or not!

edit: meredith is finally asleep next to me so i have both hands to type! i can't even walk away cos she'll sense it and wake up immediately. geez. talk about high-maintenance. i bought a sling hoping it'd give me some freedom while carrying her but despite my best efforts, i still can't figure it out! her head just looks cocked at an awkward angle and she absolutely hates it. it looks so easy when someone else demonstrates it! grr. so i'm going to rent a different kinda carrier - the ergo carrier to try out this week. see if that works. the good thing about this one is that it'll grow with her and can be converted to a front and back carrier for when she gets older and is supposed to be ergonomically designed. we'll see. it costs an arm and a leg though. having a baby is an expensive affair! grrr.....

stress sia...

ok, forgive my awfully singlish post title.. but i'm not terribly inspired right now. it's been one helluva 2 days and 2 nites.

meredith was in classic form all day yesterday... nursing every hour and spitting up and not wanting to be put down. i ended up only catching 40 mins of sleep during her only "longish" nap (1 hour long). this was after the previous night where she REFUSED to be put down. i'd nurse her, burp her and she'd fall asleep pretty deeply. the minute i brought her to the crib, and her head touched the mattress, her eyes would pop open and she'd just stare at me before wailing. so it was back to the couch, nurse her again (purely comfort nursing) and then try again. it got to the point i gave up on putting her down and fell asleep with her on my chest and an attempt to sleep with her in bed. that didn't really work cos she squirmed so much lying next to me that i got no sleep.

so yes, after a trying night and a very trying day where she again refused to be put down, i was hoping for an easy night. but of course, that was not to be. it was really bad.. she was fussing and crying incontrollably. she wanted to be on the breast all the time and most of the time she was just comfort nursing too. once again, she refused to be put down so i caught whatever sleep i could with her lying on top of me. *yawn*

and today? well, let's just say it's more of the same. she's fussy, constantly nursing and crying ALL THE TIME. even the hubby's feeling worn down.

spent some time reading online. and the more i read, the more i'm convinced she's suffering from reflux. she has all the symptoms - arching of the back, the horrible gassiness, poor sleep (lying horizontally causes acid to flow back into the oesophagus), constant hiccups, inconsolable crying, frequent spitting up, choking/gagging while nursing (which could also be because of over-active letdown) and the sour breath. i'm no doctor, but when your child has most of the symptoms listed, i'd think there's a pretty good chance she has reflux and it's not just colic. babies with reflux often want to nurse constantly as breastmilk is a natural antacid and helps to feel better.. and the swallowing also helps with the refluxate.

so i'm going to make a doc's appt and bring the baby in to see what the doc has to say. they don't usually medicate infants with reflux unless really severe, but it would be good to know if that's what causing poor meredith's discomfort. she looks so uncomfortable and cries so hard that we feel so helpless and frustrated cos we don't know what to do to help her. in the meantime, we're going to try some of the "fixes" for reflux - keep her upright (altho some literature says this doesn't help and lying on her right side will), nurse her upright so she doesn't swallow so much air, not put her in a sitting position (ie car seat) because she slumps and it makes the abdominal pain worse, nurse her frequently so she eats smaller portions and loosen her diaper tabs to reduce abdominal pressure.

maybe this is the reason for her hating her car seat. she cries uncontrollably when she's in it.. it would make so much sense if it really is.

and on top of all the crying and fussing? i just found out that ALL the milk i've stored over the past month in my freezer is unusable because i didn't double bag them when storing them in the avent disposable liners. @#&$. so because we're going out to carie-ann's wedding dinner tonite, i've been frantically pumping in the wee hours of the morning hoping to make up a feed. and i don't know if it's cos of the frequent nursings or the lack of sleep or the stress, but my pumping sessions were miserable. i'm down by 1/3 of my output 2 weeks ago. sigh.

and just to make sure that it's not food allergies, i'm going to start eliminating dairy products in my diet since it's the single biggest culprit of food allergies and may cause gas. see if that makes any difference. the other known gas producers are broccoli, beans, onions and cauliflower.. so those are going too..

like i said.. stress, sia...

how time flies..

i cannot believe that i've been on leave for almost 8 weeks! wow. my colleagues came over to have lunch yest and hearing all the project progress at the office, part of me was a little sad not to be a part of it cos i know some of the developments were seeded by me and i wanted to see it through. also selfishly, i won't get any credit for the outcome. sigh. and goodness knows i need the good "results" cos my appraisal is going to be dismal next year. sigh.

that also means that meredith is already a month and a half old.. wow. she's definitely bigger, and she's started cooing altho not much and she's really strong physically. she still hasn't truly smiled yet which babies her age are supposed to do. apparently her elder cousin Carissa wasn't a big smiler either.. so i'm hoping it's a grumpy family thing. her daddy says that their expressive eyebrows are an alternative developmental milestone. hah.

in slightly over a week, kale and i will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. man, it floors me that we've been married for 2 years already... seems like yesterday that we were planning the wedding. so much has happened in the past 2 years, definitely not least the arrival of meredith. we're planning on at least doing dinner together for our anniversary.. but other than that, i can't be away from the baby for too long cos i either need to feed her or pump..

anyone have any ideas for something quick and cool to do before/after dinner? was thinking of a movie but that may take too long and not really interactive. hmm.

post with no mention of boobs and milk

finally, a post about something other than baby...

this past sunday was the team time trial - kale rode in the elite category with 3 of his pals and they were trying to defend their title from the previous year.

good news is that they succeeded in defending their title.. and the other guys did good in their categories too.

i have no pics.. cos i was at home with meredith. will see if i can "kope" some pics from some other pages (with sufficient attribution so as to not infringe any copyrights.. altho technically....)

week on week

last week was one of the most trying so far. it started 2 thursdays ago. meredith just wouldn't stop eating. she'd feed and then an hour after her hour-long feed, she'd be hungry again. or at least that's what we interpreted the crazy incessant screaming to mean.

it got to the point that i was perpetually attached to her at the boob. my boobs were so sore and felt perpetually empty. went to see the lactation consultant and her diagnosis - i didn't have enough milk for my big eater of a daughter. so? of course yours truly panics and spirals into a whirlwind of "OMG, my child's only source of nourishment is me and I'm NOT MAKING ENOUGH!!" my child is going to starve and it's ALL MY FAULT. so i did everything the lactation consultant recommended - drank soup, drank hot drinks, massaged my boobs, pumped after every feed, etc etc..and the whole time I was tired, sore and just depressed. and sooo worried that I'd have to resort to formula which the doc said to avoid if possible cos of potential allergy issues.

i spent all my spare time reading websites, talking to la leche league volunteers to try to figure out what the issue was. i suspected it was a growth spurt but it was lasting longer than all the literature said they lasted. but man, i was hoping with all hope that that was all it was.

so thankfully, i *think* we're a little better off than last week. she's sleeping in slightly longer periods now although the past 2 nites she's been wide awake most of the night and hence cranky during the day. i'm finally beginning to feel full again so i'm not so worried that my poor baby is going to starve to death. i think it was a growth spurt..

every week brings with it new challenges. i'm just ready for a week where things suddenly become better. i still feel inadequate - being alone with her freaks me out in case she goes into one of her screaming spells and i don't know what to do about it... the doc said it gets better around 2 months of age.. please let that be so..

Chip off the old block

Here are some more pics of the peanut and daddy. Can you see the resemblance? heh

Yawn!!
This don't taste like boob...
Gratuitious father-daughter shot...
What you frowning at???

I realise that we have so many more pictures of Kale and Meredith than of Meredith and I. Think it's cos most of the time, if I'm carrying Meredith, I have a boob hanging out which doesn't make for good photo opps. Yeah... Note to self: take more pics with the peanut when she's not nursing...

Let's get physical...

So this whole parenthood thing? Definitely a physical activity. My left wrist has been killing me for 2 weeks, and I've been to a chinese sinseh twice to see if I can get the kink sorted out. But after the 2 visits and a still achy wrist, I decided to go see a sports doctor today.

Diagnosis? 2 sprained tendons and a sprained ligament. Thankfully it's not irreversable (unlike some De-something or the other syndrome) and it's not carpal tunnel. Managed to sprain the wrists while breastfeeding Meredith from all that wrangling with her wildly thrashing head!

Treatment? Anti-inflammatory cream, some painkillers which I am leaving as a last resort and instructions to not cock my wrists and to ice the wrists after each feed. This is after I saw a lactation consultant yesterday for blocked ducts/latching problems and was told to drink a warm drink and massage my breasts with a hot towel before each feed to loosen up the ducts and to pump after each feed to stimulate supply.

Erm, given that her feeds are at best 3 hours apart, where am I going to find time to do all that??? I barely have enough time to sleep!!! Sigh.. who said parenthood was easy? Worst thing is I totally feel so incompetent. I get into a panic each time I'm left at home alone with Meredith. It's just psychologically reassuring to have someone around the house in case she acts up. I don't feel so helpless and am able to sleep when she does. Otherwise, if it's just me, I can't fall asleep cos I'm on edge waiting for her to squirm and start screaming and jump at every noise she lets out. Sigh.

My biggest fear is that I'm so caught up in being so busy and tired that I don't have the time or energy to enjoy her. And I don't want to wake up one day and find out she's already 1 and I've totally missed her baby days. She's already 5 weeks old and I can't believe how fast the past few weeks have flown by!!

Belated first month pictures

My sis has been after me for not putting up pics from the first month celebration. Problem is that we didn't take many pics at all since we were so busy talking to guests so I've had to ask my cousin and Andrea for their pics! And yahoo is really slow when it comes to downloading pics. So here's what I have so far. Andrea, I'll sms you my email address.. sorry for the delay!

Taking over Selene's room!!
All dressed up with attitude to boot!
Family pic
Adam, Mr Dawn, Carie-Ann, Van, Mr Chan and us
Miss "Dao"
Proud daddy

First month diary

Ok, so I'm a week late.. but I figure better late than never, eh?

So lil Ms B.. where do we begin? This first month has probably been the most trying month in my whole entire life. I kid you not. Not even my first week alone in the US was this bad! I'm Ms Type A personality, and I NEED to have a routine, and I NEED to know what to expect. I love to plan.. and what you've taught me in this past month is that I need to learn to be ok with not having a routine.. and that all my best efforts to plan my day will inevitably turned upside down by you. You've also taught me to occasionally ignore the screams and wails and enjoy how precious you are!

You definitely have a personality - one that indicates you need attention all the time. Heh.. my little drama queen. Your favorite move is to purse your precious little rosebud lips.. and that move, my dear, should be patented cos you can melt even the most stoic of hearts (ie my dad's) with it!

You've also grown in leaps and bounds. You weighed in at 3.58kg at birth, came back from the hospital at 3.33kg and at 4weeks, you were a hefty 4.55kg. You eat like a champ - and if youyr appetite is anything to go by, you're definitely your mother's daughter!! My boobs, however, are probably not so excited about your snacking habits.. but oh well, they'll toughen up eventuaslly (or so one hopes!)

Your mommy had a scare last wk, when your doc said that I should stop breastfeeding you for 3 days so we could confirm that your jaundice really was breastmilk jaundice. I walked across the street to buy formula tearing the whole way wondering if you'd still want to nurse after those 3 days of bottles. And suddenly, all the negative feelings I had about nursing you disappeared. All I could think about was not having you curled up around me with your mittened fists squirming around my chest as you nurse. I forgot about my sore nipples, the endless nursing, the never being able to be more than 10 feet away from you, my never having had one meal in peace!!! Amazing how you don't miss something till it's gone. Thankfully we got a 2nd opinion that pooh-poohed the first and said you're doing just fine. So we're back to nursing you, sore nipples and cold half-eaten meals and all.

It's amazing how much change one little squirt can make in so many people's lives. You have everyone wrapped around your cute little pinky and that's just the way you like it. You're one smart cookie!

I cannot believe your first month in our world has flown by so quickly... here's to the next month of new milestones and discoveries...

Last week

So I owe a huge post on last week. It was actually pretty eventful what with birthday celebrations and dinners out. Just ran out of time to put up pics. The little one appears to be rescheduling herself when it comes to feeds. Sigh. Just when she had a good routine going. The past few days she's been feeding every hour or so (sometimes less!) once the witching hour of about 8pm comes around. This goes on till about 2-3am! My boobs are totally sore and begging for mercy by this time around, and I'm nodding off while nursing her! It's a miserable existence for those few hours and I honestly wish I could "tap out" (in ultimate fighter style). But she's much better in the day, which helps. Of course, the day time is when I have extra help and that's when she chooses to sleep.. oh well.

So yes, my lack of night-time sleep is the reason for the lack of posts. The daytime hours are just too short to get a nap in, shower, eat, sterilise bottles, do laundry, nurse her some more etc.

So anyhow, here are some pics from my b'day celebration on Wednesday (we had it early cos my dad had some other stuff going on on Friday), and dinner with my mom and sis on Friday before Selene headed off to MI.

My sis and Kale torturing the peanut. hah
Mandatory b'day cake pic
My sis made these REALLY precious outfits for Meredith and I. Will take better pics of them soon...
Whole family pic
Dinner w Selene on Fri before she flew off..

Bon Voyage, Aunty Selene

So 2 months has flown by and Selene is going back to Michigan tomorrow. Damn, where did the time go?
I have to say that growing up, we were never close due to the huge age difference. But as we get older, the age difference gets smaller and we can begin to relate to each other as equals. And it was definitely nice to have her back in Singapore for a while, to hang out and to experience bonding with her as an adult. Hopefully this is just the beginning of a closer relationship.

Anyhow, we bid our farewells in Tanglin Mall - my mom and her hung out to shop a little, and honestly I didn't want her to come back with us to our place for fear I'd get too emotional. I've been teary enough what with all these post-natal hormones and the constant stress level that it doesn't take much to get me started, let alone my sister going back to school. The good news is we'll see her again in December in Hawaii - not too long to go...

Since Selene has requested for daily photo updates (ok, so that's not quite realistic, I'll aim for every other day or so..), here's the first instalment. Here's our little pink peanut saying bye-bye for now to her Aunty Selene. See you in Hawaii!!

"Take me with you, I'm all ready for the trip!!"