basket case

yup, that's me. totally and utterly emotional. think these pregnancy hormones are kicking in with a vengeance.

i had a minor breakdown in the office this evening because instead of getting shorter, my to-do list keeps on getting longer and longer. bear in mind these are things i HAVE to do before i pop. every meeting i attend ends up leaving me with one more task to do. and i'm sliding further and further behind in the things i have to do. argh. suffice to say there was a lot of groaning, whining, cradling of head in hands and general freaking-out happening at the office this evening.

i then finally make it home... luckily there was some pizza in the fridge so i had that for dinner. and then we plonked on the couch (our usual evening routine). the last episode of season 2 of laguna beach was playing (for the umpteenth time). emotional me watched the over-used shots of the california coastline set to some whiny song (along the lines of coldplay or keane or something) and started bawling. i swear i'm a prime candidate for the hormonal woman loony bin.

the hubby was a little alarmed.. after all, it is only MTV.. and a rerun at that. i couldn't even really explain the tears. all i could think of was that i miss california sooo much. i miss the coast, sitting watching the waves break, the cool wind in my hair, the sun setting, the rugged cliff landscape. but more than the physical coast, i miss what it represents... the care-free life i had in grad school, the feeling of not really having many worries in the world except for what to have for dinner and what homework was due that week. the feeling of living for yourself and not having to think about anyone else really. the self-absorbed years of the early 20s. and i miss that.

granted, i know that i have life good now... my then boyfriend, who, while amazing, was just only my boyfriend and nothing more permanent, is now my husband and a constant in my life. we have stable jobs and while not rich, we have our own place and are definitely not living from hand to mouth. we're looking forward to a new addition to our family. we have families who are always there with unconditional love and support. but the thing is, along with all that comes responsibility. work is stressful - like i said, there's just so much to be done and so little time to do it. each week passes so quickly and my list of things to clear just never shrinks. i'm less productive now which is stressing me out too (yes, over achiever that i am). there are so many more commitments.. and with a baby on the way, along come fears that i may not be able to cope with being someone's mommy.

so while i do appreciate where i am in life, and in many ways am happier now than i have ever been, a part of me longs for the carefree, blissful days when we were in cali. but oh well, i guess we all have to grow up and move on. perhaps some day we'll be able to go back to pescadero beach and sit there and watch the waves break on the cliffs again. but for now, i think we have enough on our plates counting down till the arrival of our l'il one. which is alarmingly soon.. doc's appt tomorrow and hopefully we'll have a better idea when the stork will show up!