crap, this is tough

i totally take my hat off to all those mothers who have breastfed and who continue to do so. i've been *this* close to giving up numerous times, and meredith's just barely 2 weeks old! my boobs have been thru hell and back, and i have a baby who seems to want to multi-task - i.e. suck on her fist AND my boob at the same time. i've tried explaining to her that i can't latch her on when her fist is in the way, but she's not quite comprehending the logic behind that quite yet. it takes 2 to latch her on - someone else to hold her hand back and me to hold her and position her. sigh. when will it stop being a struggle to feed her?

i honestly feel tied down to this baby. i'm insecure about leaving the house because i haven't quite figured out how to latch her on without baring my boob. and while i'm totally ok with baring my boob to anyone and everyone (can you tell my concept of privacy and personal space has gone out the window after having so many ppl manhandle my boobs and watch me feed? yeah...) i can imagine that a total stranger may find it rather offensive to see me nurse in public. so basically i stay at home all day with the baby so i don't have to risk it. and it also means being on call 24-7.. thru all the nite feeds too. *yawn*

we went out to dinner last nite.. and thankfully she slept all the way thru dinner so i didn't have to feed her till we got back. but man, it's constantly on my mind. plus i now have a new phobia - of having my nipples crack and bleed like they did on day 3. thank goodness for the lactation consultant or i would have given up right there and then. it was money well spent, i say.

anyhow, this post is for all the moms-to-be that i know that want to breastfeed - i just wanted to give you a heads up that it's not all rosy like they paint in the books and videos. and all the gear in the world will not prevent sore nipples, i kid you not. so please don't feel like you're incompetent and that everyone else has it figured out. i wish someone had pre-empted me about how hard this was going to be. i would have been a whole lot less depressed and frustrated. but yes, i do recognise the benefits of breastfeeding and for that reason alone, i'm trying my damndest to stick with it.. but man, like i said, i have a new-found respect for all those women who went before who have breastfed. it takes perseverance, i tell you. i just need to find some. can anyone tell me where?

*groan*