this sucks..

talk about mood swings.
i think i succumb too easily to guilt trips.

part of me is happy that my exam today is over.. and that my exams will be over soon. but the other part of me is just totally bummed cos i feel totally guilty that my colleague has to carry the weight of the division on his shoulders, as it so may be. he was just sharing with me today how he feels overwhelmed and how he's really just about had it. and although i know he didn't mean to make me feel bad, and i know he was just venting, i can't but help feel that i'm not pulling my weight enough. but honestly, i don't really know how i can possibly do any more. i mean, i've really been up to my ears in trying to ramp up. i don't think there's anything left of me to give.

so i feel bad. and i don't know how to fix it. beyond that, one of my previous bosses gently told me that i need to let my big boss know what i'm doing... so that i can get appraised properly next year. and all i can do now is rue that i didn't highlight a few past project milestones to him. cos i have nothing new to highlight and highlighting the past stuff now will just seem like brown-nosing. so i don't quite know what to do now. i hate all this "profiling" sh*t, but i know by now that no matter how i'd like to take the high road and say that i'm above all that, i know that everyone needs to do some of this to survive. i just need to learn how to do all this better.

objectively i know i'm just supposed to forget about all this for now, and just focus on my exams. i'm taking today off but the studying starts again in earnest tomorrow. all this stress is not good for me or for us. i've just been pure joy to be around the past couple of days, and i know kale is counting down till my exams are over too. sorry babe..